Every night-before excuse in the group chat, ranked

There are four names on the tee sheet and it's Friday night. Statistically, one of them is currently composing something. You know it, they know it, and the group chat sits there like a loaded mousetrap. What follows is the definitive ranking, from least to most respected.

6. "Work thing"

No detail. No apology. Two words carrying the full weight of a lie nobody will bother to investigate. It's not that we don't believe you, mate. It's that you didn't even try. The minimum wage of excuses.

5. The weather screenshot

Sent at 9.52pm with no accompanying text. It shows 40 percent chance of rain at 2pm. The tee time is 8.10am. He knows what he's doing, he knows we know what he's doing, and he sends it anyway. An opening bid from a coward.

4. The back

"Back's flared up." This from a man who moved a washing machine on Wednesday and logged a 5k on Thursday. Note that the back is never bad enough to miss the golf trip. The back knows the difference between a Saturday medal and Portugal. The back has priorities.

3. The kid's birthday party

Legitimate. Checkable. Unanswerable. And yet. He was told the date in March, and he confirmed this tee time on Tuesday. Somewhere between Tuesday and tonight, the calendar ambushed him. You can't argue with it, which is exactly why it ranks this high, and exactly why he banks it twice a year.

2. "The missus has got us doing a thing"

The thing is never named. The thing has no start time, no location and no known survivors. The thing cannot be questioned, because every married man in the chat goes quiet, knowing the thing comes for us all eventually. Total protection, zero detail. One flaw: unlike the birthday, it has no paper trail, and he's used it three times since Easter.

1. Nothing

No message. No excuse. Forty-seven unread messages about tee order, the weather and who's driving, and then the man simply materialises in the car park at 7.40, first one there, bacon roll in hand, as if the chat does not exist and never has. Unrankable. Unpunishable. The group chat's final boss.

Anyway. See everyone Saturday. Back's been a bit iffy, but I should be fine.