Every member of your Saturday four-ball, ranked

Every Saturday group is the same group. Different names, different course, same four blokes. I know this because I've played in maybe six of them and I'm confident I was a different one of these in each.

A note on method. There was no method. Let's begin.

5. The New Gear Guy

Yes, there are five. Every four-ball carries a fifth member who drops out by text at 9pm the night before, and it's usually him, because his new driver hasn't arrived yet and he refuses to be seen with the old one. Swaps putters the way other people change phone cases. Has never once been fitted. Currently plays worse than he did with the clubs he sold to fund all this, which he knows, and which we do not discuss.

4. The Tour Pro

Plays off 14. Warms up like it's a major. Pre-shot routine has a pre-shot routine. Backs off a two-footer because a bird moved. He's read a book about green-reading and now putts slower and no better. Refers to the group's Saturday tenner as "the tournament". A lovely bloke ruined by golf broadcasts.

3. The Sandbagger

Hasn't put a card in since 2023. Turns up moaning about his back, his lack of practice, the state of his glove. Shoots 79 the moment there's money involved. Everyone knows. Nothing is ever said. There's a theory he practises in secret at a range two towns over where nobody can see him, and I believe it.

2. The Cooler

Not his temperament. The actual cooler. His handicap is a mystery to the committee but his cans-per-nine is a matter of public record. Plays his best golf between the fourth beer and the sixth, a window science cannot explain. Morale goes with him when he's away. So does the round, usually.

1. The Admin

Books the tee time. Fronts the deposit. Chases three grown men for a bank transfer for eleven days. Texts the group at 6am with the weather, the dress code and where to park, and gets two thumbs-ups and a question he already answered. Every group has one, and if you can't immediately name yours, it's you.

Nobody has ever thanked him. He'll book next week anyway.

Send this to your group chat and see which one goes quiet.